Dengan Nama Allah, Yang Maha Pengasih Lagi Maha Penyayang. Alhamdulillah, Pemurahnya DIA dengan izinNya mempunyai kesempatan untuk menulis pada masanya. Namun, komitmen sebagai pelajar Year 10 mungkin menyebabkan keperluan meluangkan masa untuk pelajaran lebih utama buat seketika. Afwan andai jarang menulis. Moga bermanfaat apa yang ada :)

Friday, 21 October 2016

Write Down Your Worries!

Daniel Wong's tips and articles are my favourite.

I returned home after 5 months being away from home, without coming back for even a holiday. I thought I would pay his article on a top student's principles a visit, and ended up browsing through his popular posts.

I came across this quote:

"In one experiment,[11] researchers at the University of Chicago discovered that students who wrote about their feelings about an upcoming exam for 10 minutes performed better than students who didn’t. The researchers say that this technique is especially effective for habitual worriers." (Daniel Wong, 2016)

It was under the subtitle "Write down your worries" in one article, I think something about study smart vs. study hard.

I was suddenly reminded of my anxiety before my Legal Research paper, I poured out my feelings in this blog. Hours after my exam, I regretted it. The previous purpose of this blog was to da'wah, and I ended up spilling out my personal anxiety and insecurities.

However, I felt comforted after reading Daniel's article. I remember feeling fine just before Legal Research exam, and how anxious I was before Tasawwur exam, where I did not write down my worries back then.

So be it.

I think, in dakwah we don't have to pretend when you accept the call to do good deeds, you will always be happy. That it will always be that "kemanisan iman" era.

You will still have problems. You will still have anxiety, insecurities, worries, calamities, and so on.

So let's keep it real.

The process of falling, the real process and progress of slowly, struggling to pick up the shattered pieces, gathering your courage, and painfully getting up. Back on your feet. Man up, build yourself again. All of that. We have to confront all these.

Keep it real and truthful. Don't hide behind "ketenangan" anymore. It is different when you need 10 minutes of dhikr then you feel energetic and when you need to cry in your tahajud every night begging for His mercy, strength and courage because you're so broken. The degree of brokenness is different. Don't cover that up.

From now on if people ask me if I'm okay, and I'm not, I will say no.
If I'm tired, I will say so.
When I'm worried, as I do now... on whether I had answered 'the rule of recognition' right, I will write it down. Be it on a piece of paper or on here.

No more pretending, that all will be well, just because of a single moment of submission. We are humans, our faith has its ups and downs. Let's keep that in mind. We trash our friends that voice their anxiety or hide away in sadness saying if you really are orang beriman and you perform your ibadah you wouldn't be like this.

But different people have different limits. They have different background, different tests, and we are in no position to judge that.

For the last time, let's keep it real.

Mencari damai yang hilang

Iffah Nabiha

12.37 am, bonding with little brother in the living room

Saturday, 8 October 2016


Zikr, zikr, zikr.

And still, tears keep streaming.

While out there, I help to heal others from their anxiety, mentally or spiritually disturbed persons, I always, and always, put aside my own.

Legal Research in a few hours.
And I dont know how to express my anxiousness, but I really am, not okay.


Heavy head.

Keeping it all contained, here - my blog, where no one in this place - dengkil, knows. At least im free to be me.

Mencari damai yang hilang
Iffah Nabiha
8.55 pagi, meja belajar

Wednesday, 5 October 2016

Which part of your heart is broken?

You can keep running away
Exhausting yourself out

But it's always that.
The possibility of healing

Where you left the wound
Where  you moved on
You tried to forget

But you only found emptiness
Because you left a piece of you
Right there
Together with so much of your courage

The courage you used to have, facing everything

Now you really are on your own
You pushed away everyone, everyone who wants to get to know you
People betray you, and keep betraying

Your own race, you see their true colours now?
You realise, all those years abroad, you tried to defend your identity, what was that identity?
As you know now, it wasn't your country, it wasn't your race, it wasn't your fellow muslim comrades either.

So who did you have with you?

If you really do know what you are fighting for, you could easily answer "Allah."
But you can't.

You know why?
Because you are not doing it for Him.
Which part of your heart is more broken than the broken promises to devote your life for His deen?
Which part?

Which part?

Keep exhausting yourself out. That lack of sleep, that cold part of you, keep them. See how far you can get living like that.

Angkuh. Sombong. Padahal kau jalan di bumi Tuhan.

Which part of your heart is more broken than the broken promises to Your Lord?

Which part?

Mencari dan terus mencari damai yang hilang

Iffah Nabiha

UiTM Dengkil

5.06 am, 6 Oktober 2016

Saturday, 1 October 2016

Heartless Me?

Finals are getting closer.

Feeling so alone and stressed, because everywhere I go in this campus kalau tak jumpa someone who goes "Iffah kalau law subjects tak 4flat impossible" tak sah.

Starting to utter the word "Benci." so many times. The high expectations are back.

Decided that from now on I won't share the posts I write in this blog on Facebook or Twitter anymore. Let me pour things out here. I'm tired pretending or looking like I've got all my crap together, when truly, I don't. I'm always nervous, always anxious.

But all praises due to Allah, things seem to be eased by Him. Like He has been with me all along. So I don't understand what is it I keep on worrying about? I just can't help it. Though depression seemed like an episode I managed to pull through, anxiety is still there. 

I really do wish everyone around me realise I'm just as unprepared as they are. Just because I did well, or okay in the past tests and presentations and assignments doesn't equate to me passing finals,

I'm not prepared, kay? Stop saying that. It feels like I'm not allowed to make a mistake...

Nights when I could't sleep, I think I prayed to Allah to make people understand that more than I ask for my grades. Because, grades aren't everything.

I want to make my parents happy and proud though, more than anything.

Ah!! My tears. I don't know what it is, everytime I think about how much I want to make them proud, without telling this to them, my eyes just get teary.

I just want this for them so much.

I don't know whether it stems from wanting to prove that I am capable of doing law, or the fact that I want to show that all the sacrifices of our quality time are worthwhile, or just a simple "I want to make them proud". All I know is, that's just my way of manifesting my love for them.

Feeling so distant from everyone and they say I'm one heartless girl, concentrated on work, a typical lawyer material. Heh.

It's not that I pushed away everyone who wanted to get close to me because I'm heartless, but like one SMA member said,"Siapa je yang boleh keep up dengan cara VP kitaorang yang ke hulu ke hilir ni?"

Haih. I think so. Siapa je?

I get my satisfaction from helping people. One message reads "Iffah ada student perempuan ada masalah" and even if I was just about to terlelap after a long hectic week, I will be out of the house in 15 minutes. Tired, but satisfied six hours later. 

Maybe it's true what this one guy said, too. "I don't have time" is really my unsaid mantra.

Nervous. Just so nervous.
I'm so afraid if my anxiety will cause me jadi totally blank masa exam.
I can only doa doa and doa.
It doesn't help that my lecturers keep on saying the same thing as my friends say too. Stop it. I dooo nooot likee it.
Other people may see it as a compliment but I honestly honestly don't. Ia buat saya agitated. Faham tak?

Can't say these things to anyone, not even my roommate because I don't know how. Why am I so reserved nowadays? I used to be able to share my secrets with my bestfriends. Ever since I chose this path, I just turn away from facing the nightmares of my emotions by concentrating on my work. No wonder why they call me heartless. 

I just had to rant. I don't even speak to my parents of my anxiety for finals except for a few words like "sempat ke" or maybe "susah nak memorise cases". But nothing more than that.

It's also a good thing now that my blog doesn't have as many readers as it used to, I also shy away when someone approach me and speak of this blog. Why do I detest things that other people deem as compliments huh?

When am I going to stop ranting.
When am I going to study properly it's been 6 hours, ya Allah... Iffah.
Phone pulak rosak.

And what do I do with all these presents btw. They ain't buying my heart either. Ya, I find presents difficult to deal with. Except books and maybe food. Itupun I get scared if I have to react a certain way to the ones that gave me them. Entahlah.

SO insecure with bukannya orang lain but like. Myself.
Insecure dengan my own definition of success.
My ambition macam too high to achieve.
Maybe just lower my own expectation lah kan dah sendiri yang set my goals. But, I dont know why. Tapi I see something ahead of me and I keep telling myself I'm going to get there. 

Ya Allah, terangkanlah jalanMu bagiku.

Mencari dan terus mencari damai yang hilang. (Currently memang sangat hilang duh)

Iffah Nabiha,

UiTM Dengkil.

PS. Am I REALLY heartless though?