Hitam dan putih

Dulu, teringin hendak cepat 'besar'

Rasa, bosan sungguh 'stuck' dalam belasan tahun. (Wait, I'm 18 so masih belasan tahun oops)

Dulu, tidak sabar hendak masuk umur dua puluhan itu.

Ingatkan, semakin tua semakin matang.

Tersilap, pengalaman yang mematangkan kita.

Bertemu dengan pelbagai insan, meredah pelbagai mehnah. Kali ini, seorang diri. Genap 3 tahun di tanah air, aku jauh berbeza. Jauh.

Baru 'evident', bahawasanya umur tidak membawa erti apa-apa. Kau 50 tahun hidup di bawah tempurung yang sama, kau akan tetap berfikiran serupa. Sempit, paling parah menyempitkan pula dunia kepada skop pemahaman kau untuk orang lain pula.

Di kala negara dilanda pelbagai musibah, di sekeliling kita terlepas pandang generasi muda. Kita lihat isu politik sana sini, one step back and look at a different part of the picture, kau akan nampak, masa akan datang, kita berdepan dengan masalah yang lebih besar.

Alangkah gelap dan menakutkan. Malah, untuk melangkah menjadi diri sendiri di tanah air sendiri, wallahi, your own people will be going against you.

Melayu, kau mengecewakan aku. Berkali-kali. Beribu kali kalipun aku perbaharui perspektifku, pecah berkecai juga sangka baik yang dibina itu.

Ke mana hala tuju kita sebenarnya?

Penat.

Turun dan naik. Atas jalan yang satu kemudian menyimpang seketika. I realised the reality of life. Sometimes, the decision you have to make isn't as clear as black and white. Sometimes, that grey area exists.

When i heard sometimes being good can be bad, and being bad can be good, i thought it was one of those lines that can drag you to the dark path. An unacceptable justification.

But as the years passed by, i went through a lot. I realised, that line is blurry.

It is at this part, the blurry part, that people get lost.

Truly, the past few years have prepared me for the present. I am truly thankful for all the mistakes i have made, the trials Allah placed me in, and everything I have learnt, both overseas and locally. The range of people I have met, and the different circles of friends i have had. Today, it all makes sense.

I have wondered whether I have a destiny. I have wondered why are there so many people against me, all these years. I have thought about the people who would stick with me, and what they have said to me. I gathered my thoughts, and heard this in my head.

"It is good that you have enemies. It means for once in your life, you stood up to something."

My journey, my growth, my past, my present, my future.

Ya Allah, bimbinglah hambaMu.

Iffah Nabiha Ahmad Jailani

Mencari dan terus mencari damai yang hilang

Uitm Dengkil
Selangor, Malaysia

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