Heartless Me?

Finals are getting closer.

Feeling so alone and stressed, because everywhere I go in this campus kalau tak jumpa someone who goes "Iffah kalau law subjects tak 4flat impossible" tak sah.

Starting to utter the word "Benci." so many times. The high expectations are back.

Decided that from now on I won't share the posts I write in this blog on Facebook or Twitter anymore. Let me pour things out here. I'm tired pretending or looking like I've got all my crap together, when truly, I don't. I'm always nervous, always anxious.

But all praises due to Allah, things seem to be eased by Him. Like He has been with me all along. So I don't understand what is it I keep on worrying about? I just can't help it. Though depression seemed like an episode I managed to pull through, anxiety is still there. 

I really do wish everyone around me realise I'm just as unprepared as they are. Just because I did well, or okay in the past tests and presentations and assignments doesn't equate to me passing finals,

I'm not prepared, kay? Stop saying that. It feels like I'm not allowed to make a mistake...

Nights when I could't sleep, I think I prayed to Allah to make people understand that more than I ask for my grades. Because, grades aren't everything.

I want to make my parents happy and proud though, more than anything.

Ah!! My tears. I don't know what it is, everytime I think about how much I want to make them proud, without telling this to them, my eyes just get teary.

I just want this for them so much.

I don't know whether it stems from wanting to prove that I am capable of doing law, or the fact that I want to show that all the sacrifices of our quality time are worthwhile, or just a simple "I want to make them proud". All I know is, that's just my way of manifesting my love for them.

Feeling so distant from everyone and they say I'm one heartless girl, concentrated on work, a typical lawyer material. Heh.

It's not that I pushed away everyone who wanted to get close to me because I'm heartless, but like one SMA member said,"Siapa je yang boleh keep up dengan cara VP kitaorang yang ke hulu ke hilir ni?"

Haih. I think so. Siapa je?

I get my satisfaction from helping people. One message reads "Iffah ada student perempuan ada masalah" and even if I was just about to terlelap after a long hectic week, I will be out of the house in 15 minutes. Tired, but satisfied six hours later. 

Maybe it's true what this one guy said, too. "I don't have time" is really my unsaid mantra.

Nervous. Just so nervous.
I'm so afraid if my anxiety will cause me jadi totally blank masa exam.
I can only doa doa and doa.
It doesn't help that my lecturers keep on saying the same thing as my friends say too. Stop it. I dooo nooot likee it.
Other people may see it as a compliment but I honestly honestly don't. Ia buat saya agitated. Faham tak?

Can't say these things to anyone, not even my roommate because I don't know how. Why am I so reserved nowadays? I used to be able to share my secrets with my bestfriends. Ever since I chose this path, I just turn away from facing the nightmares of my emotions by concentrating on my work. No wonder why they call me heartless. 

I just had to rant. I don't even speak to my parents of my anxiety for finals except for a few words like "sempat ke" or maybe "susah nak memorise cases". But nothing more than that.

It's also a good thing now that my blog doesn't have as many readers as it used to, I also shy away when someone approach me and speak of this blog. Why do I detest things that other people deem as compliments huh?

When am I going to stop ranting.
When am I going to study properly it's been 6 hours, ya Allah... Iffah.
Phone pulak rosak.

And what do I do with all these presents btw. They ain't buying my heart either. Ya, I find presents difficult to deal with. Except books and maybe food. Itupun I get scared if I have to react a certain way to the ones that gave me them. Entahlah.

SO insecure with bukannya orang lain but like. Myself.
Insecure dengan my own definition of success.
My ambition macam too high to achieve.
Maybe just lower my own expectation lah kan dah sendiri yang set my goals. But, I dont know why. Tapi I see something ahead of me and I keep telling myself I'm going to get there. 

Ya Allah, terangkanlah jalanMu bagiku.

Mencari dan terus mencari damai yang hilang. (Currently memang sangat hilang duh)

Iffah Nabiha,

UiTM Dengkil.

PS. Am I REALLY heartless though?


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