A little bit of everything
It has been a while!
Have I been busy? Yes and No. Have I been well? Yes and No. Answers like that show just how long it has been since I've poured out my thoughts, feelings or just random and pointless ranting in this space.
Today is another day of pointless ranting. I'm actually staying up to do my criminal law assignment but after so much reading I'm still struggling to put my thoughts into words and started to merepek on social media so...sampailah ke sini. Haha.
I used to sleep early and wake up early to do my work. But this year, I notice a mega change in my sleep habit, that is I don't wake up easily anymore due to my restless sleep and I have to sleep while coping with the pain. So now I changed my strategy and do the work and then I'll sleep instead. It was hard at first but I'm managing better now. Alhamdulillah.
I'm going to talk about a little bit of everything here. Just bear with me. It's a long blog post. I might drop a tear or smile throughout this post. Haha. Some things may sound nothing to you but actually contain an abundance of emotions beneath the unsaid words and untold stories that I won't write on here what happens within and throughout each of these things. But here are most of the things that have been going on. I put them under little headings. Hehe.
Wow first thing on the list! So it has been over a month since my six trainees won the moot competition. I 'accidentally' came into their trainings and ended up training them everyday since their written submission up until the day of their competition. We developed the case together and I gained so much knowledge on Li'an and the Islamic law on paternity through them.
Training them was different. It triggered a weird instinct within me. I started to wonder if it's actually a natural feminine instinct that loves to nurture, patiently guide, and teach. I have never known myself as someone who is amazingly patient, anyone who knows me well knows this *emoji jeling atas*. But with them anytime I got angry it was only because I care and wanted to them to do well - it doesn't even mean winning. I just honestly wanted to, from the bottom of my heart, see them succeed in everything that they do. Memang betul-betul rasa macam fall into the category of mak-mak yang 'marah kerana sayang'.
I started to invest time and effort working on their strengths and weaknesses, in a way that I still want to care for their emotional (and physical, and mental) well-being. Post-competition, the feeling resides still within me. Seeing one of them graduate filled me with an overwhelmingly proud feeling. Seeing one of them acted for Mock Trial filled me with pride and joy and I started telling my friends around me "That's a syariah mooter!" Lol. I just get so happy seeing their advocacy skill progresses, and just seeing them succeed in whatever they do in general.
Myself in mooting?
Well. So far it's complicated. My first competition was Pre-vis or also known as Pre-moot at AIAC, which is on International Commercial Law. Then I became a researcher for Lawasia, being unable to compete in the actual competition though originally I was supposed to be an oralist. I was hospitalised at the time and later was on MC for over a month. So after I got better, throughout the preparation for the comeptition, I was at home drafting the arguments for the Respondent and then handed it over to my oralist. Still, constructing the arguments allowed me to read so much into it and consequently got pretty attached to the case. (And protective over my arguments, too, lol)
Afterwards before now in the next edition of Premoot I trained the Syariah mooters. However this time in premoot, I got separated from my past teammates and was put in the junior team with the newbies.
During IHL Moot Court competition I was (the only) scoring committee. What an experience.
I know my experience is not that much but currently I'm working on a proposal for a fresh, new competition. I'm so nervous. More on that when it (hopefully, insyaAllah) is passed and the moot problem is out and all...
At one of the aforementioned stages, I cried myself to sleep when I was told it was where the lecturer decided to put me. I was overthinking the lecturer's reasonings, (or not so overthinking) and voiced out to one or two other mooters who sympathised with me. I kept it a secret from the rest and just went on with it as normal.
Now alhamdulillah I got what I wanted, to be back to a stronger bonding with the masjid. In fact I wouldn't mind making my way from Mahallah to the masjid just for the prayer and then come back to my room. The Subuh Masjid UIA (sisters) group I created on whatsapp is expanding and I go there for subuh religiously on weekends together with the ladies. It feels excellent. Especially on Friday. After Subuh we recite al-kahfi together. On other days we recite one juz together. Alhamdulillah.
It's just that I have always been unable to stay for kuliah after prayer because I always have classes afterwards. It's ok.
My routine every Sunday morning. So My sunday starts with Subuh at masjid - tadarus - breakfast - umdatul ahkam. it finishes at 9.30am. so it always feels satisfying that by that time I have done these good things in the morning. Compared to my life before - where sundays were really lazy sundays. Haha.
We are currently on Bab Nikah. Ustaz opened another slot on Friday night. This one mula balik dari awal kitab. I intended to join cos I wasn't in UIA yet when the first hadith was taught but then sebab this semester my classes on Friday finished at 4pm so I tak larat nak pegi. Thursday from 8am-10pm with break only zuhur and maghrib. So yeah.
InsyaAllah next semester I will join the Friday night class. will arrange my timetable to free up the evenings sikit.
This semester I finish at 6.30pm or 7pm everyday. Memang sakit. Huhu.
I cried a lot this semester. Almost every day. In silence, when I'm alone. Sedih sikit because this time there are so many competitions and so many teams using the moot rooms. So sometimes tak boleh dah macam first year, masuk moot room nangis. Haha.
It's not the studies itself. Coupled with my health issues, it is causing a lot of inconveniences that I cannot share. Despite believing in myself, sometimes others don't believe you can pull through it because of the challenges you face.
I always cry to Allah. Telling Him it doesn't matter they couldn't see how much I've pulled through already and how much I have accomplished already. At the present moment it may seem like I'm struggling. But I think again, amidst all this, I got my dean's list achievement, I've been able to be involved that much in mooting - which demands such high level of commitment compared to regular society/club/event managements, I managed to keep my congregational prayers intact, and I manage to complete all my assessments up until today. Despite what I'm going through now and my incapacity to attend all classes as I used to be able to.
And so long as Allah could see all this, how I'm trying my best despite what I am going through, it doesn't matter being scolded macam manaa pun, being (verbally) assaulted macam mana pun, being demeaned ke, because what's important is that I keep going and I am here for myself.
And alhamdulillah I have been and have never left 'me' like I used to. I get up when I can and don't blame myself when I can't.
This time last year I didn't know what would happen to me in March this year. And in March I couldn't foresee that I am able to be this strong holding my own self. Building my own strengths.
I'm a lot better and finally finally after a year believe that I can actually be cured, a hundred percent. I just need to continue what I'm doing now. And keep believing in Allah. The best thing this semester is that I didn't get warded at any point. A major improvement considering both semesters last year, it just always happened.
I needed to be there for me. This means I went for appointments in hospitals myself. I went for injections myself. All along from the start. Sometimes I think again the courage it took and the bravery I had to force and form and concede that I am proud of myself.
However this semester I cannot take credit for all this. This time I chose to open up and told Sarah, Liana, and several others my stories. What I have kept them in the dark for a while. It touched me, they came all the way from the universities and spent the weekend with me when they know I was at my most fragile state and in need of someone to hold to.
Only Allah knows at that moment, I, myself was not enough to keep my strength propelling me forward anymore no matter how hard I tried. At one point I was going to break anyway, and He sent me these great friends who cared for me and truly love me. We cried together through the stories and held each other and broke into tears as we parted our ways.
May Allah reward them...
I really want to buy Noktah Terjahit by Nik Nuk Madihah and the Biography of Umar from Darussalam Publication. The biography has 2 volumes. And Fatimah az-Zahra' by.. tak ingat. But I have just spent so much for books so I don't think I can for now.
I have also spent a lot getting people presents just because I want them to feel appreciated (?). So takpelah my own wants nanti dulu but I keep on searching about these books and read about them huhu. Sometimes I feel inspired by the books I never read it's actually weird haha.
I was really into my last book that I've read, which was 12 Peribadi 'Ibadurrahman written by Syeikh Yusuf al-Qardawi, but then I didn't manage to finish it because I've given it away as a gift for Kak Hana, one of the Syariah mooter. I wanted her to have it before the competition. I also purchased the Ulama Hadis-something book written by Dr Kamilin Jamilin, and intended to read it first before I gave it away to Kak Adilah, another Syariah mooter. However I didn't have the time so I just gave it to her on the way to the competition haha. I will buy both the books again someday.
I bought all the girls presents. The other two girls, Sheffah, I've given her dwi-tone handsocks. As for Balqis I bought her a printed bawal scarf because she always compliments my scarves are pretty haha.
My relationship with Qur'an is one which I have soo much to talk about. I really wish.. sekolah agama buat Qur'an ni fun. Instead of all the rotan and cubit and tarik telinga when kids don't do as they're told i.e. to read or memorise the Qur'an.
Some adults love to write their experience on how rattan shapes their attitude and they are who they are today because of the punishments. I really disagree. Stop making it like corporal punishment is the only way to shape attitude. Hikmah is also another way. These statuses always make it like without it there is no way people can be 'humans'.
The schools in the West still produce doctors and other professionals despite banning physical punishments. Our kids don't become rude just because of lack of physical punishments. They have been around for long and is still in use albeit they argue is now being less in force. There are so much to be contemplated when it comes to the current generation. Have you spent enough time nurturing your children? Because apparently, they become rude by examples too - peers, TV, frustration, and so on.
Anyhow. If only I knew that Qur'an can make me feel this way, today, I would have started wayy long before. It is my ultimate best friend, and nothing and no one can ever replace the sort of contentment and multiple mukjizat it has and it does to me when I recite it alone and even together with friends.
Dulu I started just reading any ayah or surah I wanted because I taknak dah buat the rule ikut order itu ini from first page ke apa ke. It will make you feel like you are progressing slow. Oh baru page 5. Sikit je. and so on.
I used to read any surah I wanted whenever I'm not doing anything or just simply bukak at random pages and read the maksud je. At that time I never knew I would have the kind of relationship I have, today.
It just doesn't feel like a chore anymore. I can go on for as long as I wanted, one juz at one go, or 1 page, stop here and there, get amused at an ayah. Fell in love and recite the same verse over and over sampai puas and move on. At one point after a few days or weeks so far ahead in the Qur'an I get reminded of one part of the Quran, searched for it and just randomly started from there pulak. Then I just feel like continuing. It's satisfying and every Surah is magical. May I live and die in the state of loving, preaching, embodying Qur'anic character.
Ameen ya Rabbal 'Alameen.
As I'm ending this blog post I have also completed my assignment. See, once I start writing out things my other ideas automatically just follow the flow of my writing mode haha. In closing I'd like to just talk about skincare for a bit lol. So unsurprisingly - I always fell for this 'value pack' item on sale right. So I bought a value pack of my usual cleanser which Bio-essence Bird's Nest cleanser. Usually the product line works well for me and brighten up my face. However this time dahla tak rasa best macam selalu, I also rasa macam the cleanser macam bau susu basi. Dia memang creamy milk cleanser camtu kan.
And of course, of course, just like what happened with my Neutrogena sunscreen, rupanya value packnya bersebab. Dah expired dah ha cleansernya :') Expired 11 months ago in fact! Although the usual ones work for me tapi I tawar hati with the product. I went to the Body Shop, picked up the seaweed cleanser and masyaAllah it worked wonders and feels so amazing. Tak sabar my current Bio-essence toner nak habis and nak beli the body shop toner. Yang lain from the seaweed body shop taknak. Moisturiser pakai Rosken je. Murah affordable and okok la. Then nanti habis the current Bio-essence serum (again it stopped working after I dah lama pakai i don't know why) will try The Ordinary Alpha Arbutin. Suncreen Biore'. That's it :)
Malam pakai aloe vera kalau rajin.
Done my long update. Today only two lectures. Constitutional law and criminal law. Then I'll work on my research for tomorrow's presentation. After asar will go to the elective subjects' briefing - although I have already decided (Medical law). Malam, discussion.
Second last week of Second Year First Semester
PS. Next Semester (though will start with this Friday), will add a kuliah tafsir to my commitment. Kuliah Tafsir (Dr Sofiah ke Dr Jannah eh?) every Jumaat before Friday prayer. That replaces my Fiqh Wanita class which has now switched to such a far venue :(